Monday, April 24, 2017

6 Months

6 months.  It's gone so fast.  I thought that when these 6 months started that it would never end.  It felt like forever long.  Full of pain and sorrow and questioning.  Now here we are.

See 6 months ago started the downhill fall of 2016.  6 months ago today.

I've worked with the cancer center at Texas Children's for a long time now.  I've met several children who are no longer with us.  I still think of them and how they changed my life in some way at that moment.  I still keep their parents on my heart, and some of them I still keep in touch with. There are those that did beat that monster that is cancer and I get to watch them graduate from high school, and college, get married and have babies of their own.

This girl was different...
She had this spirit...
She had a fierceness that I can't explain nor will I try because I won't do it justice.

She changed the way I look at every fight that I face.  Mainly because she faced every single battle with cancer head on, she took charge of it and while there were obstacles she didn't let those on the outside see her pain.  No we didn't hang out every day and no I didn't talk to her every day and I regret that, but I always thought of her when taking on a new challenge.  I still do.

6 months ago she left this Earth for a seat next to our Heavenly Father.  She is playing with the angels now and I miss her all the time.  Sweet Paige, the warrior.

Her loss started months of downhill.  Shortly after Paige passed my sweet uncle left us suddenly.  I remember the last time I saw him like it was yesterday.  We were on San Augustine holding up traffic because we were talking out the windows to each other.  While we lived in the same town we wouldn't see each other all the time, so we were catching up and pissing people off.  I didn't know that would be the last time that I saw him.  He passed away suddenly on the morning of Nov. 5.  I think of him and that last smile and "love you Chris" that he gave me on the road that day all the time.

Then, I know it didn't stop for me either, the only grandparent that I knew on my mom's side passed peacefully in her sleep.  MiMi Billie was a force of a woman.  She was my mom's stepmom and even though my grandfather and her divorced she always kept in touch with mom, until we came to know her as our grandmother on my mom's side. She was fabulous.  Always dressed to perfection.  Always flashy and stylish for everything.  Even just a hang out with the family she looked like a million bucks.  I hope I'm as fabulous and classy as her when I grow up.  I know she's up there lookin' fine.

So why am I reliving all of this pain?  Because I think they were all hanging out together yesterday and decided to give me a shove.

I HATE running...HATE IT!  This past weekend I made poor food choices and was really stressed out so yesterday after all the craziness I told Chris I NEED to run.  I just needed to get the funk out.  My outlet used to be eating, now it's exercise (see previous posts).

I run with music and my playlist is so eclectic it's kind of hilarious.  Anything from pop to country to Broadway.

I've never been able to really run over a mile with out taking some sort of break...except for yesterday.

Yesterday, when I hit the 1 mile mark, and I was like ok I can stop now, something said nope. It's like I couldn't stop.  Then Paige's song came on, the song that made her smile and helped her fight, "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten.  Well I just smiled and put my hands up and said ok.  I get it, you don't want me to stop.  As I was running I was talking with Paige and BAWLING through it.

Then some great country music on my list came on and it was exactly what I could picture Edgar and I dancing to and Billie LOVING.  Edgar taught me to two step when I was little and Billie loved classic country.

So here I am.
6 months later
Missing all of them like crazy
Today I smile through the tears.
I pray that I make them proud.
I pray that they will continue to show their faces in these little ways.

If anything, the last 6 months has reminded me how small we are, how to love with everything I have, how to fight for what I believe in even when it's hard, how to take time to dance, and to always be fabulous!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Out of the Darkness...almost

***Deep, Emotional Post WARNING***

Today was a big day.  I've been waiting to write this until this day.  Today was GOLD day.  I reached a huge milestone at CG...250 workouts.

Now this post may come as a shock to some of you and some of you may think I'm full of shit but going back to my first post of the new year, I don't care.

I came to realize in the summer of 2015 that I struggle with depression.  I go to dark places in my head.  I get really really really sad to a point where I feel lost and I wonder why God even decided to put me here.

I know, there's no way!  I have this AMAZING job that is so cool.  I am married to a good looking guy who is a great father and puts up with a lot of crap.  I have 3 beautiful children that are amazing at everything they do.  I'm hilarious, confident and not afraid to speak the truth.  Obviously I'm a really great actress too and missed my calling.

Anyway, when I realized something bad was going on with my head, I secretly started speaking with a therapist.  The hubs didn't even know.  No one did.  We have this great program at work that we can rely on for assistance of any kind.  It's pretty awesome.  It helped to talk to someone that had no idea where I came from or who I know or my life in general.  He suggested I seek help using meds.  Um no.  Again I don't even take medicine when I'm sick.  I know myself and I know that I have addictive behavior so no, meds were out of the question for me, no matter how hard he pushed.  He suggested finding something then that could be an outlet for all my frustration and pissyness (not his words but that's the nicest way for me to describe it).

I immediately went to my go to...FOOD!  I love it.  Well that only made me more sad because nothing fit.  Don't EVER come around me when we need to go somewhere and I have no clothes.  It's not a person you want to see.  I also went to wine.  I love wine.  That's an amazing thing they can do with fruit and make it into something so tasty.

Then I decided to quit being an idiot and take care of myself.  That's when I went to CG (Camp Gladiator), thanks to this girl...

Sharese had been doing CG for awhile and was posting all over Facebook about it and some birthday deal.  Hey it was $7, if I didn't like it, it's just $7.

One workout and I was hooked.  I felt so empowered.  I felt like a gosh dang superwoman!  Little did Sharese know that she was turning me on to something that would change me.  

Then I met this lady...

This is Geri.  Geri is my amazing trainer.  She gives her heart and soul to all of us every single day.  She pushes you until you feel like you are about to die, but you don't.  It's just exercise for heaven's sake.  She truly cares about each and every person that walks into that workout every day.  She knows all of our strengths and all of our weaknesses and makes them not weaknesses anymore.  She makes you want to get out of bed at some GOD awful hour to sweat for 60 minutes of amazing.  She became a light for me when she didn't even know what she was doing.  Geri is what CG is all about and I thank God for her, even though she kicks my ass on a daily basis

That brings me to my people.  My people that I get excited to see every day sweating out the shit.  We push each other to our limits.  We sweat together, we moan and groan in pain after Johnny C's and burpees, we pick each other up when we think we can't go on, we laugh through the misery...A LOT! Sabrina, Scott, John, Melissa, Christy we have been doing this for a long time and we can count on one another.  My sweet Angela who I met at CG, and has become one of my great friends.  She knew today was big and came over from Baytown to work out with us. (**not pictured**Aimee, Cassie, Brandi, T, Britt, Tiff,  Kristin, Andrew and Hayle)


And last but not least...

 We grow up in this little town and don't realize how lucky we are to know the people that we do.  Leigh Ann and I played softball together when we were little.  We reconnected at CG.  I love her.  She is my soul sister.  She is not only one of the most competitive people I know (see same person) but also one of the most loving.  We hold each other accountable on our workouts but not only that, we hold each other up in this crazy freaking life as moms, as women, and as wives.  If she's at workout she makes me that much better because we compete and it's awesome.  I know that I can tell her anything and she won't judge.  I know that in my worst moments I can drop her a text and she will make me laugh.  I can also text her and say, "Today is a day I'm going to say f**k a lot," and she will tell me that whoever I say that to deserved it even though she has no idea why.  I know that I can fall asleep in a chair in my backyard with a glass of wine in my hand and she won't take pictures.  I also know that she is quite funny after trying to drown herself in whiskey.

Our husbands have become friends, our kids love each other and I am so lucky to have her in my life again.

So you see, CG saved me.  It's my happy place.  I still struggle.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I have days where I hide and cry pretty much all day.  Just now I have more good than bad, no meds needed.  I have come to realize that God put me on this Earth to be a wife that loves completely, a mom that isn't always perfect but would give her life for her kids, a daughter and sister that loves her family with everything she has, and a friend that will never judge, that will always pick you up when you fall because that is what you all have done for me.  Oh and also someone who still hates Johnny C's, loves to jump rope, still hates to run long distances but can do A LOT of burpees when asked.

No this isn't a giant commercial for CG, it's more of a find your happy.  Find your place, and don't stop until you do.  Don't ever give up on yourself.  YOU are an amazing person that GOD put on this Earth to fulfill your story.  We are all going to fall at some point, find your people that will pick you back up.  Also, don't assume you know someone and their struggles.  Someone that seems to have this amazing glamorous life may be the unhappiest person in the world.  Not to be cheesy but ...

"Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're going don't forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind"

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

We ALL Poop

You can try and deny it.  You can try and hide it.  But I hate to tell you this, we all know you do it...because we do it too.  We all poop.

You may be sitting there wondering why in the hell I'm writing about this but I felt the need to let everyone's OK.  It's normal.  I came to the realization that I needed to let the cat out of the bag after walking into the "poop" potty at work.  Yes we have a poop potty.  No it's not labeled as such, it's the place everyone goes to poop.

Let me explain...Awhile back, our building required us to build out two handicap bathrooms because the two that we had were not sufficient.  Anyway, the GIANT handicap bathrooms we have now quickly became the bathrooms everyone goes in to poop.  

They're huge and private.  Almost like a poop suite.  It's just you in there.  I am pretty sure that some people go in there to hide for a little bit.  It's almost like you're at home.

But you're not, you're at work.  For some reason people, and by people I mean the ladies, have this fear of letting others here, and by others I mean the other women, letting them know that they do in fact poop.

First of all, when pooping in our bathroom that has multiple stalls they pull out all the old tricks to hide it...

  1. coughing while squeezing (yes you know who you are)
  2. actually flushing the toilet while letting one drop (don't act like you don't've done it)
  3. staying quiet, almost stealth, while waiting for the person in the next stall to flush and then releasing a little then holding it in until they leave.  (Seriously that just seems so painful, why would you do that?)
Then of course there's that nice poop suite I referred to earlier.  The one you get to use if you're lucky and no one else is sending last night's Mexican food down stream.


Look, this isn't helping you.  That's the tale tell sign that you just had an explosion.  Plus the only thing we smell is poop covered in laundry detergent, or a green meadow, or fresh rain.  Seriously STOP.  Now I appreciate a nice little squirt of the smelly good stuff, almost like a warning.  It's like you're saying, "Hey look, I just had a giant lunch and it was not my friend, sorry you have to revel in my scent but we all do it right?  Here's a little squirt of a fresh meadow to help your nose from melting off."  But when we walk into a wall of smell and it has floated to the floor creating a giant slippery surface, that's just ridiculous.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be afraid of the fact that others know that your body is working how it should.  You don't want to go through life lying to yourself.  Give that person in the stall next to you a "way to go" or "man I bet that feels better."  There's now shame in that.  Be proud of your poop!

Monday, January 2, 2017

Let's try this again

I think it was 2 years ago when I said I was going to write every day.  That lasted a whole 7 days.  For real this time, I'm writing.

A lot has changed in 2 years.

  • We moved to a bigger house that we love (but we miss our old street...A LOT)
  • We've gotten older.  All of us.  Kids are growing like weeds.
  • Life has gotten A LOT busier.  Kids are all in school now and involved in quite a bit more.
  • My job has gotten more challenging.  It is more and more challenging every day!

So to update...

The hubs is now teaching his 3rd new subject in 3 years.  He loves it though and I think he has found his place at school.

The oldest is quite the athlete.  She still plays softball and now plays volleyball.  I'm happy to say I think she is liking volleyball a little more.

The middle wonder has left the softball world and is now a feisty little cheerleader.  It's our first year in the competitive cheer world, and while different, we love it and she is really pretty good.  I had no doubt.

Our little man is now in school.  He played his first season of tackle football with his dad coaching (which I LOVED seeing).  His team went undefeated for the season and won the Super Bowl!  It was pretty cool.  He challenges our mental state every single day.  I honestly believe this will end up being a good thing.  I may be in the nut house but it will be a good thing.

As for me...

I still struggle daily with my weight.  It's who I am.  This year I have decided that this is it.  I'm done struggling.  This is going to go away for good.  I started working out daily in September 2016 with Camp Gladiator.  It is the most amazing thing I have ever done for myself.  I get up at 4:15am every day and go sweat for an hour.  I'm definitely stronger from it, and if I would eat right I would be a toothpick.

Work is challenging.  The business has changed a lot and I think everyone in it is trying to figure it out.  There is so much more to our jobs because of social media and it's all new...for we are learning more and more all the time.  Not to mention the fact that I have 3 kids that go in 3 different directions every day, it makes being amazing at my job tough.  I don't think I'm AMAZING daily, but I have my days.  

I suffered a lot of personal loss in 2016.  I won't go into detail because who wants to cry, but it's made me a different person.  I have goals, and I will meet them.  I have dreams that will come true.  I truly do not care what you think of me.  I don't.  I am who I am and if you don't like it then you can go ahead and just leave.  If you stand in my way I will knock you down.  I've come to realize I DON'T have to be everyone's favorite person and I won't try to be.  

I'm a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  I love God, my family, my friends and my country.  I may drink a little too much sometimes and I cuss quite a bit.  Love me or leave me.'s to 2017.  It will be bigger, it will be better and I'm gonna kick its ASS!

Wednesday, January 7, 2015


I'm doing great with my eating. I've lost 7lbs!  Now I know it's mostly water weight but I feel great and even when I wanted to eat a candy bar I didn't.

I haven't run since Sunday. Now it's freezing cold outside. My plan is to go to the gym tomorrow and run as soon as I get off the air. It's been busy busy at work and I haven't been able to do that. Tomorrow is the day.

I'm here writing so that's well.

So why the grrrr?  I let the littlest crap get to me. It's been a day of total frustration for me. I can battle with the best of them but make me feel like I'm betrayed or someone is doing something just to get under my skin and I go nuts. It's dumb. It's childish and I should be able to deal with it.

I can't.

I even tell myself daily don't sweat the small petty crap.

I obviously don't listen to myself very well at all. Is it a woman thing?  Is it a confidence thing?  Whyyyyyy?!

I'm married. Have 3 beautiful children. I have a successful career. But I let something someone says rule my day.

It almost makes me not able to get my thoughts together as you can tell from this lovely writing.

It's not the diet thing either because this even happens when I'm fat so...

Eventually I will figure it out. Any guidance would be awesome.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

good bad good

Update: Healthy eating is right on target.
Running not so much. My left ankle shin whatever the hell it is bothering me is really bothering me. Now it Hurts To Walk. Getting older blows goats.

Obviously I'm here writing so that's good.  I'm starting to stress. We had a meeting today of everything coming up and i started thinking of everything going on and I almost started hyperventilating. Somehow we manage every year but I always freak out.

My brain is a little blank and a little tired. I have a lot to say but not today.

Monday, January 5, 2015

I Failed, and it's ok...

Yes I missed a day of writing. Yesterday in the rush of getting the kids ready to go back to school and preparing myself to get back in a routine I didn't write. So this may be long.

I did run yesterday and it hurt. More on that later.

My main frustration came in the kitchen. I cooked a ham the day before and I thought what a perfect opportunity to try and make my MIL bean soup. So got the ingredients and went for it. The family had lasagna for dinner. That should tell you how it turned out.

Ask me to bake a cake or cookies and they are perfect. Ask me to make a savory meal and I'm screwed. I follow the recipes, I try and buy the best ingredients and it never fails it sucks. I try so hard to cook well and I just can't. How does this work?  Downs God just decide one day you love food so you won't be able to cook. Now I can cook. I make great chili and can grill better than most guys. Oh well, maybe someone will get me some cooking classes for a gift one day.

Now for today. I was totally out of practice with the get to school routine. Got the girls to school but had to come back to make my lunch, eat some breakfast and make sure I got everything.  I have to do that once a week. Someone is going to have a meltdown over clothes or lunch or hair or something and will make us late.

Get back to work and I was so ready to get ahead of the game...didn't happen. Then I said well  gonna get all my paperwork done while I'm on the air, nope. So basically I accomplished nothing I wrote on my to do list at the time I wanted to complete it. So frustrating.

This brings me to my run. I spoke with Kevin Kline this morning. He runs ultra races and marathons and stuff.  We are pretty surenI have a shin splint. So beat thing is rest so that's what I'm doing today. Resting. Then before my next  run, I'm slapping on the compression socks.

I'm falling asleep now. Back tomorrow.

P.s. Excuse typos , I did this in my phone.