Monday, April 24, 2017

6 Months

6 months.  It's gone so fast.  I thought that when these 6 months started that it would never end.  It felt like forever long.  Full of pain and sorrow and questioning.  Now here we are.

See 6 months ago started the downhill fall of 2016.  6 months ago today.

I've worked with the cancer center at Texas Children's for a long time now.  I've met several children who are no longer with us.  I still think of them and how they changed my life in some way at that moment.  I still keep their parents on my heart, and some of them I still keep in touch with. There are those that did beat that monster that is cancer and I get to watch them graduate from high school, and college, get married and have babies of their own.

This girl was different...
She had this spirit...
She had a fierceness that I can't explain nor will I try because I won't do it justice.

She changed the way I look at every fight that I face.  Mainly because she faced every single battle with cancer head on, she took charge of it and while there were obstacles she didn't let those on the outside see her pain.  No we didn't hang out every day and no I didn't talk to her every day and I regret that, but I always thought of her when taking on a new challenge.  I still do.

6 months ago she left this Earth for a seat next to our Heavenly Father.  She is playing with the angels now and I miss her all the time.  Sweet Paige, the warrior.

Her loss started months of downhill.  Shortly after Paige passed my sweet uncle left us suddenly.  I remember the last time I saw him like it was yesterday.  We were on San Augustine holding up traffic because we were talking out the windows to each other.  While we lived in the same town we wouldn't see each other all the time, so we were catching up and pissing people off.  I didn't know that would be the last time that I saw him.  He passed away suddenly on the morning of Nov. 5.  I think of him and that last smile and "love you Chris" that he gave me on the road that day all the time.

Then, I know it didn't stop for me either, the only grandparent that I knew on my mom's side passed peacefully in her sleep.  MiMi Billie was a force of a woman.  She was my mom's stepmom and even though my grandfather and her divorced she always kept in touch with mom, until we came to know her as our grandmother on my mom's side. She was fabulous.  Always dressed to perfection.  Always flashy and stylish for everything.  Even just a hang out with the family she looked like a million bucks.  I hope I'm as fabulous and classy as her when I grow up.  I know she's up there lookin' fine.

So why am I reliving all of this pain?  Because I think they were all hanging out together yesterday and decided to give me a shove.

I HATE running...HATE IT!  This past weekend I made poor food choices and was really stressed out so yesterday after all the craziness I told Chris I NEED to run.  I just needed to get the funk out.  My outlet used to be eating, now it's exercise (see previous posts).

I run with music and my playlist is so eclectic it's kind of hilarious.  Anything from pop to country to Broadway.

I've never been able to really run over a mile with out taking some sort of break...except for yesterday.

Yesterday, when I hit the 1 mile mark, and I was like ok I can stop now, something said nope. It's like I couldn't stop.  Then Paige's song came on, the song that made her smile and helped her fight, "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten.  Well I just smiled and put my hands up and said ok.  I get it, you don't want me to stop.  As I was running I was talking with Paige and BAWLING through it.

Then some great country music on my list came on and it was exactly what I could picture Edgar and I dancing to and Billie LOVING.  Edgar taught me to two step when I was little and Billie loved classic country.

So here I am.
6 months later
Missing all of them like crazy
Today I smile through the tears.
I pray that I make them proud.
I pray that they will continue to show their faces in these little ways.

If anything, the last 6 months has reminded me how small we are, how to love with everything I have, how to fight for what I believe in even when it's hard, how to take time to dance, and to always be fabulous!