Out of the Darkness...almost

***Deep, Emotional Post WARNING***

Today was a big day.  I've been waiting to write this until this day.  Today was GOLD day.  I reached a huge milestone at CG...250 workouts.

Now this post may come as a shock to some of you and some of you may think I'm full of shit but going back to my first post of the new year, I don't care.

I came to realize in the summer of 2015 that I struggle with depression.  I go to dark places in my head.  I get really really really sad to a point where I feel lost and I wonder why God even decided to put me here.

I know, there's no way!  I have this AMAZING job that is so cool.  I am married to a good looking guy who is a great father and puts up with a lot of crap.  I have 3 beautiful children that are amazing at everything they do.  I'm hilarious, confident and not afraid to speak the truth.  Obviously I'm a really great actress too and missed my calling.

Anyway, when I realized something bad was going on with my head, I secretly started speaking with a therapist.  The hubs didn't even know.  No one did.  We have this great program at work that we can rely on for assistance of any kind.  It's pretty awesome.  It helped to talk to someone that had no idea where I came from or who I know or my life in general.  He suggested I seek help using meds.  Um no.  Again I don't even take medicine when I'm sick.  I know myself and I know that I have addictive behavior so no, meds were out of the question for me, no matter how hard he pushed.  He suggested finding something then that could be an outlet for all my frustration and pissyness (not his words but that's the nicest way for me to describe it).

I immediately went to my go to...FOOD!  I love it.  Well that only made me more sad because nothing fit.  Don't EVER come around me when we need to go somewhere and I have no clothes.  It's not a person you want to see.  I also went to wine.  I love wine.  That's an amazing thing they can do with fruit and make it into something so tasty.

Then I decided to quit being an idiot and take care of myself.  That's when I went to CG (Camp Gladiator), thanks to this girl...

Sharese had been doing CG for awhile and was posting all over Facebook about it and some birthday deal.  Hey it was $7, if I didn't like it, it's just $7.

One workout and I was hooked.  I felt so empowered.  I felt like a gosh dang superwoman!  Little did Sharese know that she was turning me on to something that would change me.  

Then I met this lady...

This is Geri.  Geri is my amazing trainer.  She gives her heart and soul to all of us every single day.  She pushes you until you feel like you are about to die, but you don't.  It's just exercise for heaven's sake.  She truly cares about each and every person that walks into that workout every day.  She knows all of our strengths and all of our weaknesses and makes them not weaknesses anymore.  She makes you want to get out of bed at some GOD awful hour to sweat for 60 minutes of amazing.  She became a light for me when she didn't even know what she was doing.  Geri is what CG is all about and I thank God for her, even though she kicks my ass on a daily basis

That brings me to my people.  My people that I get excited to see every day sweating out the shit.  We push each other to our limits.  We sweat together, we moan and groan in pain after Johnny C's and burpees, we pick each other up when we think we can't go on, we laugh through the misery...A LOT! Sabrina, Scott, John, Melissa, Christy we have been doing this for a long time and we can count on one another.  My sweet Angela who I met at CG, and has become one of my great friends.  She knew today was big and came over from Baytown to work out with us. (**not pictured**Aimee, Cassie, Brandi, T, Britt, Tiff,  Kristin, Andrew and Hayle)

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And last but not least...

 We grow up in this little town and don't realize how lucky we are to know the people that we do.  Leigh Ann and I played softball together when we were little.  We reconnected at CG.  I love her.  She is my soul sister.  She is not only one of the most competitive people I know (see same person) but also one of the most loving.  We hold each other accountable on our workouts but not only that, we hold each other up in this crazy freaking life as moms, as women, and as wives.  If she's at workout she makes me that much better because we compete and it's awesome.  I know that I can tell her anything and she won't judge.  I know that in my worst moments I can drop her a text and she will make me laugh.  I can also text her and say, "Today is a day I'm going to say f**k a lot," and she will tell me that whoever I say that to deserved it even though she has no idea why.  I know that I can fall asleep in a chair in my backyard with a glass of wine in my hand and she won't take pictures.  I also know that she is quite funny after trying to drown herself in whiskey.

Our husbands have become friends, our kids love each other and I am so lucky to have her in my life again.

So you see, CG saved me.  It's my happy place.  I still struggle.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I have days where I hide and cry pretty much all day.  Just now I have more good than bad, no meds needed.  I have come to realize that God put me on this Earth to be a wife that loves completely, a mom that isn't always perfect but would give her life for her kids, a daughter and sister that loves her family with everything she has, and a friend that will never judge, that will always pick you up when you fall because that is what you all have done for me.  Oh and also someone who still hates Johnny C's, loves to jump rope, still hates to run long distances but can do A LOT of burpees when asked.

No this isn't a giant commercial for CG, it's more of a find your happy.  Find your place, and don't stop until you do.  Don't ever give up on yourself.  YOU are an amazing person that GOD put on this Earth to fulfill your story.  We are all going to fall at some point, find your people that will pick you back up.  Also, don't assume you know someone and their struggles.  Someone that seems to have this amazing glamorous life may be the unhappiest person in the world.  Not to be cheesy but ...

"Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're going don't forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind"